I wrote this short article over a year ago, and it is originally from my first book, “A Warped Perspective", written just before I decided to just go for it and write about cars.
I may have mentioned a couple of times that I do a lot of driving. I also may have hinted once or twice that in the past I wanted to write car reviews, which went about as well as you can imagine. I’ll admit I secretly do still want to, but as you can probably have gathered by now, I’m not the best at creative writing, which is something that’s needed when trying to describe how good (or not good) a particular vehicle is and how easy it is to live with before moaning about the lack of cup holders and how many gadgets it's fitted with.
Let’s use the 2006 Suzuki Swift I’ve borrowed from my brother as an example, which is my daily driver because my car has decided it didn’t like its gearbox and blew it up in a symphony of noise and fluids. The little Suzuki Swift has always been a city runabout I’ve never really given a second thought to until I was handed the keys to a 2006 Suzuki Swift. It’s got a one-point-five-litre VVT-i engine, and it’s brilliant for a little fizzy Japanese town car but definitely doesn’t live up to its name, taking nine seconds to do zero to sixty. What's more, though, in this particular Swift, age is getting the better of it, and its shine has been rather tarnished. Yes, it will still rasp and rattle its way up the speedometer to sixty eventually, and the alternator belt will screech and squeal as it does whenever you give it a bootful, but that’s not the car's fault. It’s due for a full service and belt replacement, and whilst this is something I plan to do at some point as a thanks to my brother for loaning me the car, I don’t have the time at the moment, and besides, it drives.
There's also a somewhat unnerving clunk coming from somewhere in the bowels of the front end when turning and going over bumps, and it’s not the smoothest thing in the world, but it’s got a certain charm to it. You can tell that the whole time it’s trying its hardest to be fun, and with the interior being basic and functional, you really feel connected to the road. The power steering does try and help you steer, but it’s so weak most of the time it feels non-existent, meaning that to go around a corner, you have to work for it. Sitting inside is like being in a bright red glass box, with a roof higher than any other compact car I have ever been in, and the massive windows mean amazing visibility, meaning I can see the tree I’m about to veer off into clearly, but it also means that when the sun comes out, I feel like I’m driving along in a greenhouse.
The interior trim is fit for purpose as well: front electric windows, the button for air conditioning which has never been re-gassed but is there, cup holders, a radio that tunes to Radio 2, and five seats. There are no touch screens either; there are three knobs to control the temperature, air directions and blower, and that’s it. And one more knob driving, I guess. Driving it is great fun as well. Whilst the motorway is utterly terrifying, because at seventy the car wanders around the road and vibrates like an over-volted rampant rabbit, town miles are perfectly pleasant where it’s very much in its comfort zone. But where this car really comes into its own is on the fast backroads. You stick it into a corner and really have to fight to keep it there, whilst the engine tries its very hardest to keep you hammering along, being surprisingly responsive as long as you keep the revs up, topping up the speed with bursts of power as you skip from one verge to another, leaving you hanging on for dear life as it rolls from side to side. Somehow it seems to find unreal amounts of grip out of nowhere, sticking to the road the entire time. It whiffs of a rally car, dampened down to a city box. Because I feel like I'm in control, I'm the one driving, and the only reason I got to my destination is because I drove the car, instead of riding along whilst countless driver aids carried me to my destination, with me occasionally wiggling the steering wheel to tell the car where I’d like to go.
So you see, that’s why I feel like I’d be no good at car reviews. But I do hope to be proved wrong, because I’d love to write stuff like that for a reason other than just because I really enjoy it.
I didn’t start out knowing I wanted to write about transportation, but I feel it was subliminally hinted to me over the years in the form of certain popular TV car show starring certain shouty, short and musical gents who helped to shape my love of the world of motoring. Heck, I quote lines from the show in my daily life. My writing style is inspired by Mr Clarkson as well, in case you hadn’t already clocked on. I’ve based the layout of this book loosely on how he arranges his books, which are usually compilations of his newspaper columns made into a book, which I thought was ideal considering the shortness of each of these chapters.
I have also been reading his books for many years now, and I’ve read his books ever since, having very recently finished the newest farm book, “Home to Roost”. I would love to pursue a writing career much like that, with a column or a blog or something where I can maybe review cars or write about life or technology or anything, really. I’d love it. But I’m not sure it’ll ever become reality, but at least I have these chapters I can keep writing and compiling into my own books, which I hope at least one person will enjoy. It’s funny sitting here as I write this, thinking back to when I’d finish school before going to see my grandmother, who lived on the route home from school, where she’d make me a hot chocolate and give me some Custard Creams while I sat watching reruns of “Top Gear”. It really became my happy place; no matter how bad of a day I’d had at school, I knew I had that to look forward to when I finished. This is something I’ve carried on, and even to this day, I like to rewatch an old episode now and again. As a matter of fact, as I sit writing this, I’ve got an episode on in the background. When the TV show came to an abrupt end and they all changed over to the “Grand Tour”, I, of course, watched and rewatched every episode of that, right up till the last very emotional episode where I can tell you several grown men cried, whether they admit it or not. I was reading in the news today that apparently Amazon has announced the new presenters or successors for the Grand Tour, but I have to say, I’m not sure.
You see my problem with new presenters is, whilst we did enjoy the show for the cars, the main reason ninety-five per cent of us watched the show was for the chemistry between the famous trio. We watched the show for them and not so much for the actual show. Just look at the boating episode; we still loved that even though it didn’t have anything to do with cars. So anyone stepping in to fill that role has some serious shoes to fill. I do wish I could have a go at presenting on a show like this. I’ve been told I’d make a good TV presenter, and whilst I’m highly sceptical as to how true this is, as I have a face for radio, I would give anything on God's green earth to give it a go. Maybe if I play my cards right, I'll get the chance to be the next person to powerslide a monstrously powerful car whilst yelling about the lack of space in the back seats or writing a review for a column in a newspaper somewhere, getting to improve my writing and use similes and metaphors to describe how a car feels as it tries to launch me into the stratosphere. Or more likely, a tree.